I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
