I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
