awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize