yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
