your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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