Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize