Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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