This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
