if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
