i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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