Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
