If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
God I need to hump something, right now.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
