I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
