i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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