3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize