i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
