ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
