I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
