My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
