I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
