I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
