sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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