I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
