Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if only i could text you this smell
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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