Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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