I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
