i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
