wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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