Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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