My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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