why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
