I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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