i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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