I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
