I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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