I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
