3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
