i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
