It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
