Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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