He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
