I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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