I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
