is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
