My sheets look like a crime scene.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
