Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
