After last night, I could never be a politician.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
