He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
