He disabled his match.com account in front of me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
