I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think your dad took our porno
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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