I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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