I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
