Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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