I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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