so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
