I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
did you just send me my own nude
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
