remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
