Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
