Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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