I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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